I have not been content lately. And it is hard to write on a blog about contentment when you are not content.
But this trial is teaching me more about how I can be content in Christ alone.
I desire to start a family with Michael. And in the past few months this desire has taken over my life and has been my number one focus. It became an idol.
This sin reached its climax when I became angry with God, asking Him why so many women get to have babies only to abort them and why so many parents get to have babies only to abuse them. I want to adopt those babies, and I wanted to know why I couldn’t do that now. Why was He being so unfair to me? Why did He put this desire so strongly in my heart only to not fulfill it now?
I cried myself to sleep that night angry with God.
My husband said something to me that night, though, which after I calmed down in the next day or so made me realize that I was off track. He said, “Why can’t we enjoy now?”
I had been so discontent when God has given me so many blessings. I have salvation in Him! I have everything in Him!
Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice! Philippians 4:4
All I want is to bring glory to God and I thought I should do that through having a family as soon as possible and that God should follow along so I could bring Him glory. How preposterous! How arrogant!
Be not rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in heaven and you are on earth. Ecclesiastes 5:2
For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities, all things were created by him and for him. Colossians 1:16
Our God is in heaven; he does whatever pleases him. Psalm 115:3
All the peoples on the earth are regarded as nothing. He does as he pleases with the powers of heaven and the peoples of the earth. No one can hold back his hand or say to him: “What have you done?” Daniel 4:35
I am so prideful that I thought I had the right to question God. But God has no obligation to concern himself with my approval. I am not the authority on right and wrong. He is.
“Holy, Holy, Holy, is the Lord of hosts, The earth is full of his glory.” Isaiah 6:3
Isaiah “saw the Lord seated on a throne” and when He saw the Lord in all his splendor, he said, “Woe is me, for I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips and I live among a people of unclean lips; my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts.”
I am no better than Isaiah. In fact, I am sure I am much worse.
How can my life be anything but an outpouring of praise and obedience in response to a God who is so holy and just and yet has prepared a way for me to come boldly before his throne?
Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16
It is time for me to be still before God so that when He says, “Go,” I can say, “Here I am,” instead of, “I should be there. Why did you put me here?”